Welcome to the world famous Nurburgring camping weekend

Go on, admit it: every time you turn up at the Nurburgring, you are overcome with a mad desire to rush off into the forests. No, it’s nothing to do with the effects of eating too much Bratwurst and sauerkraut, it is down to the sight of all those sophisticated Germans indulging in the genteel pastime of race weekend camping.

However, unless you want to go the way of the Roman IX Legion, also known as the Hispana, who are said to have disappeared after a particularly bloody campaign in the German forests, then it is best to be well prepared for a weekend under the stars.* Incidentally, if you do camp here and do find yourself looking at those stars, it can only mean one thing – your tent has been stolen.

Yes, camping at the Nurburgring is a wonderful idea. After all, why on earth would you want to stay in a hotel and have a hot bath every night before sleeping between clean sheets, when you could lie on a damp stones and mud and not wash for five days. Camping was actually invented by a group of German hoteliers as a means of promoting the advantages of staying in hotels, except that the plan backfired and walking through woods in bad weather, while carrying your possessions on your back and sleeping on the ground actually became hugely popular here.

They even write songs about it like, “Jetzt kommt die fröhliche Sommerszeit“ and here are the lovely lyrics to prove it:
Now comes the merry summertime, the hours full of joy and endless delight. We leave behind our home, we freely, gladly roam, So happy to be in the warm sunlight. 2. The meadows glow with the deepest green, and blossoms bright on the hedgerows lie. Sweet music fills the air; the joyful lark is there. How quickly do the days of summer fly. 3. As long as days are sunny and warm, and nights are all aglow as the stars prevail, We'll dance the whole day long, we'll spend our time in song Of summer, wondrous as a fairytale.”

Not exactly Goethe, but you get the picture. You will notice the song contains no advice as to how one should dress to “dance the whole day long” but pluck up your courage to go into the forest camp site near the race track and you can see exactly what is expected of you. These instructions are pretty much unisex, with the exception that all the women must dye their hair a very unnatural red colour. Whatever the weather, wear short shorts and a singlet and sport the ever popular “Vokuhila” or Mullet hairdo (short at the front, long rat tails at the back.) Now you really do look like the scary men who did for the IX Legion.

Why the Vokuhila? Because after a light breakfast of twelve litres of beer, you don’t want to vomit on your fringe and your friends can hold you up by the long hair at the back. Every year, several campers die from choking on their OWN vomit, which is a strange phrase, as the alternative to choking on your own vomit, is too disgusting to contemplate.

Over the years, several Social Anthropologists have gone on expeditions in the Eifel mountains, but they have never returned. It is believed they were all overcome by the Vokuhila tribe, who poisoned them with vast quantities of a magic potion known as “Pilsner”** and put them into a hypnotic trance by chanting their mantra, “Schumi, Schumi, Schumi” over and over again. Only when you have mastered this chant are you allowed to move onto the tantric stage of the Vokuhila religion and attempt the 7th Dan chant of “Deutsche Vermögensberatung Deutsche Vermögensberatung.”Very occasionally, Formula 1 drivers have been known to visit their fans in the forests. On these occasions, security is usually slightly tighter than when President Bush visited his troops in Iraq and one year, Heinz-Harald Frentzen only risked meeting his supporters by being lowered into the camp site in the basket of a crane, so that he could be airlifted out at the first sign of madness.

If you are still determined to go camping then listen to these handy hints from the Leader of the Red Bull – Toro Rosso Boy Scout troop:

Wear clothing with a membrane that breathes. If it coughs and sneezes don’t bother. Remember waterproof clothing is never waterproof, but it will always retain 100% of your body sweat.

Only take clothes where the washing instructions label includes the advice to “plunge into stream and beat with a large rock until clean.”

If you lose your down sleeping bag, you can always climb into a plastic bin liner with a few geese.

Finally, for your own safety, always carry a pack of playing cards with you. If you find yourself lost and alone, find a flat surface and begin playing Solitaire. We guarantee that within minutes, someone will appear out of the trees and put your red Queen on your black King.

*Yes, we know another historical theory is that the Roman IX Legion was wiped out by the Scots, but we don’t want to upset David Coulthard.

** Other beers are available